Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider and sat down beside her
And frightened Miss Muffet away....
Or so we have always believed
But we have looked closer
And now can expose the
Way in which we were deceived........
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Pulling on both of its ears
The tuffet was screaming, its poor face was streaming,
With millions of tuffety tears
A passer by spied her and drew alongside her
And said Leave that tuffet alone
He's like me and you, he has feelings too
He isn't, you know, made of stone
By way of reply, Miss M. poked the eye
Of the spider she found there beside her
Then taking her shoe she clobbered him too
And she didn't hold back any either
She screamed I'm Miss Muffet and I beat up tuffets
So butt out for good er ness sake
Just move along Incy or I'll make you Wincy
'Cos all of your legs I will break
Then without more ado, she again raised her shoe
And continued to batter the tuffet
Around his poor head, he was almost quite dead
Indeed he was ready to snuff it!
The spider withdrew, what else could he do?
But he didn't abandon the tuffet
He dropped a round dime and reported the crime
And called the police out to Miss Muffet
Then he bravely cried STOP! I have called a cop,
And you've at least two strikes already
If you don't resist and your violence desist
You'll be dating a butch girl called Teddy!
Miss Muffet did pause but only because
She wanted to look at the grass
She shouted That's it! and dropped the tuffet
So she could go kick spider ass
The spider, incensed by her insolence,
Drew himself up to full height
And as she came near he aimed at her rear
And kicked her with all of his might
She took to the air, and to be very fair
It may have appeared like fright
The look on her face as she travelled through space
In a definitely unscheduled flight
The tuffet meanwhile, just managed a smile
Before limping away to get help
A piteous sight, he limped into the night
With a sob and a sigh and a yelp
Having finished their tea, the Toyland PD
Had lately arrived on the scene
And it was plain to see from the tuffet debris
What a dreadful assault there had been
So they handcuffed Miss Muffet for GBH on a tuffet
And took her before Justice Curd
Who sent her awhey for many a long day
Because, as strikes go, 'twas her third
But what of the spider and what of the tuffet
Were they traumatised by this event?
Well, happily no, they let the past go
And now live in a cottage in Kent.
