Saturday, 20 December 2008

Honey (hic) I'm (hic) Home for Hicmas!

Ding dong merrily I'm high
I don't know what I've taken
Was that Santa flying by, or am I much mistaken?
Oh uh oh uh oh uh oh, uh oh uh oh uh oh, uh oh uh oh uh oh, oh dear
My frickin' head is achin'

Ding dong will you stop the bells
From ringing quite so loudly
I'm not feeling very well, something's churning inside me
Vol olol olol olol olol olol olol olol olol olol olol olol olol au vents
I think I've eaten thirty

Ding dong merrily I think
I've had too much to drink, so
I can see the room spin round the elephants that are pink, oh
No ohoh ohoh ohoh, ohoh ohoh ohoh,, ohoh ohoh ohoh, NOT HERE!
OOPS, why does vomit stink so?

Ding merry dongly I'm quite pished
I'm feeling very schleepy
I'll have a nap when I've finished
In the wardrobe having a peepee
Shoe oo oo oo oo oo oo, oo oo oo oo oo oo, oo oo oo oo oos getting wet
S' ok they're not mine though.

Saturday, 8 November 2008

Back again.......(55)

Barren dust

Centuries waiting.

Until .....

warm whisper of water,

merest moment of moisture.

She is revived!


thirst, searing a course through each new born cell,
screaming demands too critical to resist.


herself around her saviour, she drinks deeply, consuming

his youthful innocence,

his vivacity,

his blood

Then ...............

She smiles .

Monday, 3 November 2008

Thursday, 29 May 2008



Jack and Jill....All's Well That Ends Well....or is it?

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after

Surprise surprise a thin disguise
To hide a crime most heinous
But we, forsooth, have found the truth
That's why they specially train us

Jack was keen and long had been
On Jill his next door neighbour
He planned and schemed on what it seemed
To him was love's great labour

For fear that she might be out of his sight
He followed her everywhere
Behind any tree you'd be likely to see
Jack, acting like he wasn't there

He sent her huge gifts and dozens of flowers
And wrote her love poems for hours and hours
He did everything he could think of to do
Just to make her say once that she wanted him too

But Jill was a girl who was nobody's fool
She'd learnt about blokes just like Jack whilst in school
He wasn't just flash and an oily smooth talker
He hid behind trees, he was a darned stalker!

He was way too obsessed with how she was dressed
and his gifts were way over the top
He wanted control of her body and soul
She was desperate for him to stop

So she thought for a while, then she stood with a smile
And set off for the nearby well
Knowing Jack would go too and the best thing to do
Would be drop him down straight into hell

Now, you must understand that although Jill had planned
To topple Jack into the well
Jack had played a mind game that had made Jill insane
Or at least that's the tale she would tell

So she beckoned 'Come here' and when he drew near
She gave him one heck of a push
And over he fell right into the well
But instead of a splash there was hush

Jill was anxious to see what the problem could be
So she risked a peek over the edge
Then was heard to scream fkuc it! Jack's just hit the bucket
And landed safely on a ledge

Bewildered, bemused and well, truly confused
Jack gazed up at Jill and did say
I don't know you young lady, but if you would aid me
My fortune I'd quite gladly pay

KERCHING! went Jill's brain ( she was not so insane
as to pass up a chance when she saw one)
She whipped out a pen and some paper and then
Drew up a contract with Jack's name on

'If you would just sign so your fortune is mine
I will gladly pull you from the well
Or there you can stay,' Jill sweetly did say,
'Oh, and no one will hear if you yell'

Of course Jack complied for hard as he tried
He just could not rescue himself
And though quite befuddled he wasn't so muddled
As to want to remain on the shelf

Jill threw down a rope thus giving Jack hope
And he eagerly started to climb
But in Jill's head it popped that unless he were stopped
He'd go back on their pact in no time

As he drew near her course became clear
She just could not let him survive
So screaming, 'Oh No!' She let the rope go
Then watched calmly as Jack took a dive

This time as Jack fell again down the well
He kicked the bucket as he passed
He landed head first and his crown it did burst
So Jill knew that he had breathed his last

Now that Jack had gone Jill's game was on
And she tumbled back into the town
Crying, 'Alas for poor Jack, he's not coming back!
He tripped and the well he fell down

His last gift to me was, as you can see
ALL he did ever possess!
I have it right here, his signature's clear
Now, I'm going to need a new dress'

With no clear evidence of any offence
Jill got clean away with her crime
She profitted too and between me and you
Of remorse there was never a sign

A word to the wise for stalker type guys
You'd better pay heed to this tale
There are still, need I say, females out there today
Who are far deadlier than the male

Tuesday, 22 April 2008




Little Jack Horner sat in a corner
Eating his Christmas pie
He put in his thumb and pulled out a plum
And said, " What a good boy am I!"

It were nothing o't' sort, this tale comes up short
It's miles away from being true
A story in place so that Jack could save face
And his mum avoid being charged too

A word to the wise you'd best shut your eyes
If you're easily deeply offended
This tale isn't lewd but it is a bit rude
So it's best prudes don't look 'til it's ended

Little Jack Horner sits in a corner
Rubbing away at his shmeckle
He sits there all day but try as he may
He just can't get rid of the freckle

A freckle so grand his shmeckle can't stand
Without leaning way off to the right
Quite something to see if you're an MD
But otherwise rather a fright

Now Jack's at an age when male hormones rage
And cause things to rise in the night
Which many would say is more than OK
But not if you're faced by the sight

Of a huge hairy freckle a bending your shmeckle
And making it stand all askew
He won't get a date if his shmeckle's not straight
Just what is a boy s'posed to do?

There must be a liniment to fix this predicament
The poor boy thought to himself
I can't ask my mother and as I've no brother
I'll just go and look on the shelf

Ah! here is a cream that should work like a dream
I see that it freezes off warts
Applied to the freckle that cripples my shmeckle
It should bring relief to my parts

So he sat there all day just rubbing away
Unaware that the door was unlocked
As the freckle grew thin his mother walked in
You could see she was visibly shocked

There was her son having way too much fun
A messing around with his shmeckle
From what she could see he'd be blind before tea
(She knew nothing about the huge freckle)

Oh my good God, you mucky young sod!
She screamed upon catching his eye
Is this what you do when I'm not with you?
And to think I just bought you a pie!

Well take that my lad! and with all t' strength she had
She launched the pie in his direction
And, dear friends, I swear it landed full square
On Jack's first ever straight up erection

Needless to say poor Jack limped away
His pie covered shmeckle in hand
And thanks to his mum one badly bruised plum
Which would soon be the talk of the land

It is very sad Jack was a good lad
He tried very hard to go straight
But his shmeckle still leans and it actually seems
To have lost half of its former height

Due to this circumstance theres no hope of romance
But at least Jack could still save some face
He may spend his life with no chance of a wife
But the cover up's firmly in place

And he still has his mum who is proud of her son
(He explained all about the huge freckle)
She knows that he'll stay and he never will stray
Kept at home by his lopsided shmeckle

No charges were filed against mother by child
In spite of assault by plum pie
I don't need, Jack thought, the facts out in court
So I'll just let pie bygones go by

Sunday, 13 April 2008




Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
And doesn't know where to find them
Leave them alone and they'll come home
Wagging their tails behind them

Anyone sane with a functioning brain
Would have doubted this ever could be
So it's no great surprise when we cut through the lies
That a much different story we see

Little Bo Peep fell fast asleep
A negligent shepherdess she
Didn't take care as to where her sheep were
So they went where they oughtn't to be

Adventurous of late they left through the gate
And wandered off down a long lane
Then over the bridge and under the bridge
Sheep aren't, you know, totally sane

Which is one reason why you should keep an eye
If not two on the innocent lambs
Or they'll likely stray, as they did on this day
And get into all sorts of jams

Or as in this case PIES! because Bray Fentos spies
Were lurking about in a truck
Out they did leap upon spying the sheep
And soon they had nabbed the whole flock

Making off with the sheep, who were stacked twenty deep
They were headed for t' nearest pie makers
Who were short of good meat for a tasty pie treat
And di'n't want to become veggie bakers

The sheep were a mess, they were in real distress
They had heard the men speak of their fate
And here's a surprise, they didn't want to be pies
So they needed a way to escape

But what could they do? They were almost int' stew
In a truck that was speeding through town
With no water nor food, yes, and someone had pooed
It was seriously getting them down!

Then Baabaara Ewe said "This just won't do!
We must leave before it's too late.
For if we stay here, it's my greatest fear,
We'll end up on sombody's plate!"

Fortunately a witness did see
All that had lately transpired
A sheepdog called Bob, who from his main job
Had been recently, almost, retired

Now in his spare time he liked to solve crime
Particularly if it rustled
He set off at speed when he saw sheep in need
And soon in on the act he had muscled

By sheer good luck he caught up with the truck
And he saw the tailgate tied with rope
So he had a good chew well, he simply had to
He weret' flock's one and only last hope

The tailgate dropped down in the middle of town
The sheep gave an almighty cheer
Then Bob barked "Don't stand there, obey my command! Er,
And let's get the flock out of here!"

The sheep paid good heed and at once did stampede
Up the road and right out of the town
Herded by Bob, who was good at his job
And soon calmed the woolly heads down

He returned all the sheep to Little Bo Peep
Who had so called slept through the whole thing
But a twitching arose from Bob's keen sleuthing nose
When he saw she was covered in bling

Many had heard how little Bo cared
For her sheep and they thought it a fact
That she'd sold off her flock just to make a quick buck
And her big sleep was just a big act

But to make it legit' and to keep out o't' shit
She'd had the men 'steal' them away
Alas now she'd been caught 'cos of bling that she'd bought
And had no more sense than display

Bo Peep left her job, which was given to Bob
As the farmer arranged a surprise
He butchered the cheat, bling bling hater of sheep
And she ended up in the pies.

Saturday, 15 March 2008

Gone in Twenty Seconds......55

It headed straight for her and in that moment she knew
she simply didn't care
she could accept the inevitability of her fate
it wasn't that her life flashed before her eyes
more that its destination became clear
she could finally relax
after all
her life had always been

a car crash waiting to happen.

Friday, 7 March 2008


All that is done here is meaningless
As the cage crazed gibbering
Of our cousin monkey
We, the apes who would be king
Unbound Prometheus yet
In a godless void
What plan will ever prevail
When all might cease
Suddenly aware
Fully appreciating
The futility of
I can

Friday, 29 February 2008

Fit to Burst

The slightest upset caused him to become apoplectic with rage.
His face reddened, his eyes bugged out
and veins throbbed dangerously in his temples.

He reminded her of a grotesque balloon.
A big, round, red balloon.

Pity, she preferred blue balloons.

She pictured it and was amused.
Reaching for the plastic bag.....

She smiled.