Tuesday, 22 April 2008




Little Jack Horner sat in a corner
Eating his Christmas pie
He put in his thumb and pulled out a plum
And said, " What a good boy am I!"

It were nothing o't' sort, this tale comes up short
It's miles away from being true
A story in place so that Jack could save face
And his mum avoid being charged too

A word to the wise you'd best shut your eyes
If you're easily deeply offended
This tale isn't lewd but it is a bit rude
So it's best prudes don't look 'til it's ended

Little Jack Horner sits in a corner
Rubbing away at his shmeckle
He sits there all day but try as he may
He just can't get rid of the freckle

A freckle so grand his shmeckle can't stand
Without leaning way off to the right
Quite something to see if you're an MD
But otherwise rather a fright

Now Jack's at an age when male hormones rage
And cause things to rise in the night
Which many would say is more than OK
But not if you're faced by the sight

Of a huge hairy freckle a bending your shmeckle
And making it stand all askew
He won't get a date if his shmeckle's not straight
Just what is a boy s'posed to do?

There must be a liniment to fix this predicament
The poor boy thought to himself
I can't ask my mother and as I've no brother
I'll just go and look on the shelf

Ah! here is a cream that should work like a dream
I see that it freezes off warts
Applied to the freckle that cripples my shmeckle
It should bring relief to my parts

So he sat there all day just rubbing away
Unaware that the door was unlocked
As the freckle grew thin his mother walked in
You could see she was visibly shocked

There was her son having way too much fun
A messing around with his shmeckle
From what she could see he'd be blind before tea
(She knew nothing about the huge freckle)

Oh my good God, you mucky young sod!
She screamed upon catching his eye
Is this what you do when I'm not with you?
And to think I just bought you a pie!

Well take that my lad! and with all t' strength she had
She launched the pie in his direction
And, dear friends, I swear it landed full square
On Jack's first ever straight up erection

Needless to say poor Jack limped away
His pie covered shmeckle in hand
And thanks to his mum one badly bruised plum
Which would soon be the talk of the land

It is very sad Jack was a good lad
He tried very hard to go straight
But his shmeckle still leans and it actually seems
To have lost half of its former height

Due to this circumstance theres no hope of romance
But at least Jack could still save some face
He may spend his life with no chance of a wife
But the cover up's firmly in place

And he still has his mum who is proud of her son
(He explained all about the huge freckle)
She knows that he'll stay and he never will stray
Kept at home by his lopsided shmeckle

No charges were filed against mother by child
In spite of assault by plum pie
I don't need, Jack thought, the facts out in court
So I'll just let pie bygones go by

Sunday, 13 April 2008




Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
And doesn't know where to find them
Leave them alone and they'll come home
Wagging their tails behind them

Anyone sane with a functioning brain
Would have doubted this ever could be
So it's no great surprise when we cut through the lies
That a much different story we see

Little Bo Peep fell fast asleep
A negligent shepherdess she
Didn't take care as to where her sheep were
So they went where they oughtn't to be

Adventurous of late they left through the gate
And wandered off down a long lane
Then over the bridge and under the bridge
Sheep aren't, you know, totally sane

Which is one reason why you should keep an eye
If not two on the innocent lambs
Or they'll likely stray, as they did on this day
And get into all sorts of jams

Or as in this case PIES! because Bray Fentos spies
Were lurking about in a truck
Out they did leap upon spying the sheep
And soon they had nabbed the whole flock

Making off with the sheep, who were stacked twenty deep
They were headed for t' nearest pie makers
Who were short of good meat for a tasty pie treat
And di'n't want to become veggie bakers

The sheep were a mess, they were in real distress
They had heard the men speak of their fate
And here's a surprise, they didn't want to be pies
So they needed a way to escape

But what could they do? They were almost int' stew
In a truck that was speeding through town
With no water nor food, yes, and someone had pooed
It was seriously getting them down!

Then Baabaara Ewe said "This just won't do!
We must leave before it's too late.
For if we stay here, it's my greatest fear,
We'll end up on sombody's plate!"

Fortunately a witness did see
All that had lately transpired
A sheepdog called Bob, who from his main job
Had been recently, almost, retired

Now in his spare time he liked to solve crime
Particularly if it rustled
He set off at speed when he saw sheep in need
And soon in on the act he had muscled

By sheer good luck he caught up with the truck
And he saw the tailgate tied with rope
So he had a good chew well, he simply had to
He weret' flock's one and only last hope

The tailgate dropped down in the middle of town
The sheep gave an almighty cheer
Then Bob barked "Don't stand there, obey my command! Er,
And let's get the flock out of here!"

The sheep paid good heed and at once did stampede
Up the road and right out of the town
Herded by Bob, who was good at his job
And soon calmed the woolly heads down

He returned all the sheep to Little Bo Peep
Who had so called slept through the whole thing
But a twitching arose from Bob's keen sleuthing nose
When he saw she was covered in bling

Many had heard how little Bo cared
For her sheep and they thought it a fact
That she'd sold off her flock just to make a quick buck
And her big sleep was just a big act

But to make it legit' and to keep out o't' shit
She'd had the men 'steal' them away
Alas now she'd been caught 'cos of bling that she'd bought
And had no more sense than display

Bo Peep left her job, which was given to Bob
As the farmer arranged a surprise
He butchered the cheat, bling bling hater of sheep
And she ended up in the pies.