Saturday, 30 June 2007

The Lovers (a bonus 55)

He could not see her clearly in the darkness but her perfume was unmistakable - intoxicating. He hurried to her. They embraced as best they could in the confined space and moments later lost themselves in the accumulated passion of months of separation.

Finally spent, he turned to her and asked, " Darling.......

......did the earth move ? "

Friday, 29 June 2007

Whosoever these shall fit (55)

Cinders, whirled around the ballroom like a demented floor polisher by the prince himself. Every woman in the room green with envy. Nothing could spoil it now!
Wait a minute, something's slipping...slipping. Can't dance with knees together - must get out! Waddle to exit quickly! Too late, gone!

Step out, walk on, don't look back!

Tuesday, 26 June 2007

Accident Here, Can U Help ? (A happy little 55)

It was dark. She was cold, lying on the wet road listening to cars hissing by.

She remembered she'd been rushing home to the children. Who would feed them now ? Surely the driver should've stopped ? He knew he'd hit her.
She struggled to stand, no use. Wouldn't anyone help her ? No.....

She was just roadkill.

Tuesday, 19 June 2007


My beloved German Shepherd, Heidi, died suddenly while playing with her companion, Anya,today. I cannot sufficiently express the devastation I feel. My Forgetmenots poems were inspired by my grief over losing my long time companion GS Siana. I was only just beginning to come to terms with losing her just over 2 years ago.

I was blessed by Heidi's company and affection for only a short time (she would have been 2 years old next month) yet the pain of losing her is hardly less. I cannot believe she has been stolen from me. I never even had a chance to save her though I tried desperately to resuscitate her.

I am glad that she did not suffer and that she died as she had lived happily playing with her friend and in my arms at the last breath. I am sure that she knew she was loved. I greave her loss and the hole she has left in my life.

If there is someone you love make sure they know it always, you cannot take time for granted.


Sunday, 17 June 2007

Too many Cooks....

We had a Cookery teacher who was beyond being a mere bitch, she was in fact a card carrying harpy harridan of the first water. She did not like my older sister and she positively could not abide me. However, whereas my sister had been an innocent
victim of the shrew's impotent wrath, I was a more than willing target. You see I had decided that I would avenge my sister by making this teacher's life a total misery at every possible opportunity. This was to prove easier than I thought as not only was she psychologically unfit to be anywhere near children but she was also apparently unable to cook anything other than rock buns(yeuk) and boiled eggs covered in cheese sauce(double yeuk).

Lesson 1
Little did she know as she went about her culinary classwork that she was being studied like a bug in a jug by a mind immeasurably more fiendish than hers.The mind of a fourteen year old master criminal. Silently I sat at the back of her class and drew my plans which looked quite like a monkey and a giraffe and were confiscated half way through the lesson by a harpy harridan yelling about protein coagulation in eggs or some such nonsense. I knew not why her eggs had coagulated, she was old and had no suitors, but I had learned that she did not like using broken chalk and she had an obsessive compulsive need to wipe down the counter even if nothing had been near it in the last six hours. From that day on there was always an ample supply of broken chalk and the dishcloth mysteriously became smaller and smaller.

Lesson 2
I noticed that she referred to everyone's hair as 'fungus' and was very fond of saying, "....and get a hat on that fungus!"

Lesson 3
Enter one giant stuffed mushroom (made in sewing class not cooked silly!) sitting at the front of the class wearing a chef's hat.
"Please Miss, I've put a hat on my fungus, can he stay now ?"
I did not learn how to prepare rock bun recipe 189. I was sent to the headmaster, a wise man who sent me to art class as a punishment for upsetting the harpy harridan.

Lesson 4: Health and Safety in the Kitchen.
Rule 1 Stay away from the ovens.
Rule 2 Stay away from the ovens.
Rule 3 Do not even think about going near the ovens.

" But Miss, the ovens are not even turned on. "
" They can still hurt you! "
" Why Miss, do they bite ? "

Just before I was sent to the headmaster I was able to witness a tour of inspection of everyone's cooking. Heaven help anyone whose rock buns were not cooked properly.

Lesson 5
I had formed a very very cunning plan. I obtained a dummy from the drama department, dressed it in school uniform and pinned a notice on the skirt "No more bloody rock buns!" I then placed the dummy head first in the oven.
Enter one harpy harridan (who I should mention was a little shortsighted)
"OMG! Get that girl out of the oven!!"
"But Miss, she's not done yet!"

Yes, you've guessed it.... headmaster, who had a strange attack of coughing as he sent me to the chemistry lab as punishment. Truly a wise man.

Lesson 6
To keep me out of mischief I was promoted to store cupboard assistant. I had to stand behind the sacred counter of many cleanings with the harpy harridan and pass ingredients to her as required. A blatant attempt to have me do her bidding thus ruining my reb cred.
Did you know that a good way to test the strength of super strong hairspray is to gently wave a sieve full of flour over the wearers head? The strength of the hairspray is such that the wearer remains oblivious to the fact that she is starting to look like recipe 478, sugar dusted rock buns.

I was enjoying being store cupboard assistant. I was doing the actions and lip sync and everything. It was not my fault that Melanie Miller literally peed herself laughing!


Big mistake, huge! as a Prettywoman once remarked.

I obtained one rubber chicken and half a dozen plasticine balls. I made a giant chef's hat with a huge wobbly bit on top. I studied the Muppets Swedish Chef.

Lesson 7
Recipe: (Plasticine) Swedish Durmplinks Sturffed Rubber Chickern
Imagine the actions now folks!

Urdy durmplinks flurdy chickern urdy flurdy chickern botterm.Botterm durmplinks, durmplinks botterm. Flurdy urdy chickern botterm stuffernd durmplinks inder ohvern
halfernour, gasernd severn.

I never went to Cookery class again after that. The headmaster did not think it would be a good idea for harpy harridan and I to be together in a room with so many sharp knives, what with her having recently returned from her sudden holiday and all....

Ps. Eventually the harpy harridan's face lost some of the deep purple colour with which the bursting of so many blood vessels at once had suffused it.

The rubber chicken and the dumplings developed a meaningful relationship and were later married in a civil service.

Melanie Miller has never trusted her bladder since those days and still wears rubber knickers just in case.

Friday, 15 June 2007

Time to Leave (55)

He's eaten all the bread again, no morning toast for me then. In fact, it looks like he's had some friends over. Just look at the mess they've left. Eeew! One of them has peed in the sink! That does it, he's out of here!
She reaches for the telephone .....

" Hello, is that pest control ?"

Not Waving

I held you in my arms my friend
And gently stroked your face
Until the light in your dear eyes
Left not the slightest trace

Your head now heavy on my knee
I felt your spirit leave
My anguish found no voice in me
My grief too great to greave

Thursday, 14 June 2007


I can't forget the pain
I breathe you
Not insane nor yet sane
I sense you
In every waking day
I miss you
In every fitful sleep
I seek you
My soul cannot be free
Without you
Bereft, I fade until
I join you

My Child My Child

We wandered, oblivious to time's passage
Enveloped in our unique bond
We were together, not needing words
You were of me, I of you
We were inseparable
Then you were torn from me
Our anguish rent the air
Two souls as one, now ripped apart
In our distress we clung to each other
I tried to hold you to me
You tried your best to stay
Our struggles were to no avail
You were taken and I remain
So utterly

Saturday, 9 June 2007

Gone Away

A heart too often wounded
A trust too often breached
A soul in isolation
Impossible to reach

An innocence corrupted
Destroyed beyond repair
A love that's lost forever
A chance no longer there

Don't bring to me your flowers
Or waste your words so dear
I have nothing to offer
There's no-one living here

By Pauline

Friday, 8 June 2007

Farewell My Love

I said I would love you forever
But you didn't play fair by me
You knew that you liked to pick toenails
And flick them towards the TV

You knew of your fondness for toejam
Which fascinates you it appears
And I'm horrified, honestly, I am
By the wax you dig out of your ears

You knew that you liked to chase bogies
Around and around in your nose
You never chose once to disclose this
How could you keep secrets like those ?

The only thing worse than your belching
I'm sorry, I just can't pretend
Is the smell of the wind that's exploding
Constantly from your rear end

I said I would love you forever
I meant every word that I said
I never thought I would leave, never
But if I don't go you'll be dead.

By Pauline

And so to bed...

I lie beside you watching as you sleep
And for your manly beauty I could weep
Recalling passion lost so long ago
Forgetting for a moment all I know

Reality steps in, my fancy stalls
As you in slumber start to scratch your balls
Without demur the same hand you then put
Around the back so you can scratch your butt

Sweet memories embracing me no more
As opening your mouth you start to snore
At last my disillusionment complete
When rudest wind erupts to raise the sheet

My dreams are dashed and driven from my head
Starting tomorrow you'll have your own bed

By Pauline

Thursday, 7 June 2007

Tell me again why I married you....?

Shall I compare thee to a dew kiss't rose ?
Thou art forsooth as prickly as its thorns
But thou hast not as delicate a nose
Thy feet are ripe and bearing many corns

Thou dost appear as livid, 'tis so true
As rose of deepest red, near purple hue
Tho' in thy case 'tis likely to be due
To fondness for the local landlord's brew

So art thou some of nature's finest craft ?
A beauteous work, a pleasure to behold ?
Find one who says 'tis so and has not laugh't
And I shall surely show thee liar bold .

By Pauline

Tuesday, 5 June 2007

Oops !

To be fair, I wouldn't do it but then again it's your hair. Yes, I have heard of using raw egg as a treatment. I don't suppose there will be any problem just so long as we rinse it out thoroughly.
Time to rinse? You'll have to be careful that the water's not too.......scrambled !!

Dancing Bears

See the gaily dancing bear
In town every day
See him turn and stand up tall
See him wave and sway

He's just like my teddy bear
With who I love to play
Could we take him home at all
So he can dance all day

Bear cubs are stolen from the den while the mother is out looking for food or after the thieves have killed her

The cub is held down while a large needle is used to make a hole through the bear's nose and palate and a rope is forced through the hole. No anaesthetic is used. The wounds often become infected and the constant chafing of the rope prevents healing.

The jerking of the rope causes the bear extreme pain and makes him move his legs up and down. The 'dancing' is actually the bear hopping from foot to foot in agony.

To protect the 'handler' the bears teeth are ripped out and sold as good luck charms.
Without his teeth the bear cannot eat the proper foods and many suffer from digestive problems and malnutrition.

The average life expectancy of a bear in the wild can be up to 30 years.
The average life expectancy of a 'dancing' bear is 8 years.

Somehow I don't feel like dancing, do you?

In the Park with Siana

Carressed by gentle breeze
That softly ripples azure sparkled depths
Birdsong's sweetest music fills the scented air
Delicate petalled jewels scattered
On soft spring meadow ground
Whispering trees tell tales of long ago
Applauded by a million leaves too young to know
Space and time in cyclic ebb and flow
Spirits joined from past and future drift
And we my friend are as we ever lived

By Pauline

In the Dining Room with the Mushrooms

This calls to mind Great Aunt Clothilde
Who several family members killed
Invited them to Sunday dinner
Admitted that she'd been a sinner
Just to keep herself amused
Poison mushrooms she had used
Liberally sprinkled in the stuffing
In the soup and even pudding
Family listened in dismay
To Aunty's dread surprise
Never got to have their say
Just dropped down dead like flies
Later when they stretched her neck
The gaolers clearly heard her
Say "What's the fuss? Oh what the heck!
Families can be murder"

By Pauline

Monday, 4 June 2007

Peas and Honey

I eat my peas with honey
I've done so all my life
It makes the peas taste fuuny
But it keeps them on my knife (anon)

Today I lost my honey
Today he lost his life
He said my hair looked funny
So I stuck him with my knife

By Pauline


I have just received this plea from the PLO (Peas Liberation Organisation)

After discussions at the highest level of the CIA (Culinary Institute of America)
I have decided in future to use less honey, thus giving peas a chance to roll off my knife and join their brother and sister peas under the table. Hopefully this will lead to more...

My baby...Your Baby

My Baby

I hear a cry of pain and fear
I run to him and hold him near
I comfort him and stroke his head
Then gently place him back in bed

Your Baby

The air is thick with cries of fear
I seek him out and drawing near
I bring my club down on his head
I want his fur and now he's dead

By Pauline