LITTLE JACK HORNER.... A CASE OF ASSAULT BY PIE
Little Jack Horner sat in a corner
Eating his Christmas pie
He put in his thumb and pulled out a plum
And said, " What a good boy am I!"
It were nothing o't' sort, this tale comes up short
It's miles away from being true
A story in place so that Jack could save face
And his mum avoid being charged too
A word to the wise you'd best shut your eyes
If you're easily deeply offended
This tale isn't lewd but it is a bit rude
So it's best prudes don't look 'til it's ended
Little Jack Horner sits in a corner
Rubbing away at his shmeckle
He sits there all day but try as he may
He just can't get rid of the freckle
A freckle so grand his shmeckle can't stand
Without leaning way off to the right
Quite something to see if you're an MD
But otherwise rather a fright
Now Jack's at an age when male hormones rage
And cause things to rise in the night
Which many would say is more than OK
But not if you're faced by the sight
Of a huge hairy freckle a bending your shmeckle
And making it stand all askew
He won't get a date if his shmeckle's not straight
Just what is a boy s'posed to do?
There must be a liniment to fix this predicament
The poor boy thought to himself
I can't ask my mother and as I've no brother
I'll just go and look on the shelf
Ah! here is a cream that should work like a dream
I see that it freezes off warts
Applied to the freckle that cripples my shmeckle
It should bring relief to my parts
So he sat there all day just rubbing away
Unaware that the door was unlocked
As the freckle grew thin his mother walked in
You could see she was visibly shocked
There was her son having way too much fun
A messing around with his shmeckle
From what she could see he'd be blind before tea
(She knew nothing about the huge freckle)
Oh my good God, you mucky young sod!
She screamed upon catching his eye
Is this what you do when I'm not with you?
And to think I just bought you a pie!
Well take that my lad! and with all t' strength she had
She launched the pie in his direction
And, dear friends, I swear it landed full square
On Jack's first ever straight up erection
Needless to say poor Jack limped away
His pie covered shmeckle in hand
And thanks to his mum one badly bruised plum
Which would soon be the talk of the land
It is very sad Jack was a good ladHe tried very hard to go straight
But his shmeckle still leans and it actually seems
To have lost half of its former height
Due to this circumstance theres no hope of romance
But at least Jack could still save some face
He may spend his life with no chance of a wife
But the cover up's firmly in place
And he still has his mum who is proud of her son
(He explained all about the huge freckle)
She knows that he'll stay and he never will stray
Kept at home by his lopsided shmeckle
No charges were filed against mother by child
In spite of assault by plum pie
I don't need, Jack thought, the facts out in court
So I'll just let pie bygones go by
