Cursuum Perficio

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T10:54:00.004Z

Wishing everyone peace, good health and a generous sufficiency of life's essentials for the coming year.

Honey (hic) I'm (hic) Home for Hicmas!

2008-12-20T00:25:00.008Z

Ding dong merrily I'm high
I don't know what I've taken
Was that Santa flying by, or am I much mistaken?
Oh uh oh uh oh uh oh, uh oh uh oh uh oh, uh oh uh oh uh oh, oh dear
My frickin' head is achin'

Ding dong will you stop the bells
From ringing quite so loudly
I'm not feeling very well, something's churning inside me
Vol olol olol olol olol olol olol olol olol olol olol olol olol au vents
I think I've eaten thirty

Ding dong merrily I think
I've had too much to drink, so
I can see the room spin round the elephants that are pink, oh
No ohoh ohoh ohoh, ohoh ohoh ohoh,, ohoh ohoh ohoh, NOT HERE!
OOPS, why does vomit stink so?

Ding merry dongly I'm quite pished
I'm feeling very schleepy
I'll have a nap when I've finished
In the wardrobe having a peepee
Shoe oo oo oo oo oo oo, oo oo oo oo oo oo, oo oo oo oo oos getting wet
S' ok they're not mine though.

Back again.......(55)

2008-11-08T17:58:00.014Z

Barren dust

Centuries waiting.

Until .....

warm whisper of water,

merest moment of moisture.

She is revived!

Burning

thirst, searing a course through each new born cell,
screaming demands too critical to resist.

Wrapping

herself around her saviour, she drinks deeply, consuming

his youthful innocence,
his vivacity,

his blood

Then ...............

She smiles .

Just when you thought it was safe........

2008-11-03T23:21:00.003Z

I'm home !

COLDCASE TOYTOWN

2008-05-29T16:49:00.015Z

THIS WEEK'S EPISODE:

Jack and Jill....All's Well That Ends Well....or is it?

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water

Jack fell down and broke his crown

And Jill came tumbling after

Surprise surprise a thin disguise

To hide a crime most heinous

But we, forsooth, have found the truth

That's why they specially train us

Jack was keen and long had been

On Jill his next door neighbour

He planned and schemed on what it seemed

To him was love's great labour

For fear that she might be out of his sight

He followed her everywhere

Behind any tree you'd be likely to see

Jack, acting like he wasn't there

He sent her huge gifts and dozens of flowers

And wrote her love poems for hours and hours

He did everything he could think of to do

Just to make her say once that she wanted him too

But Jill was a girl who was nobody's fool

She'd learnt about blokes just like Jack whilst in school

He wasn't just flash and an oily smooth talker

He hid behind trees, he was a darned stalker!

He was way too obsessed with how she was dressed

and his gifts were way over the top

He wanted control of her body and soul

She was desperate for him to stop

So she thought for a while, then she stood with a smile

And set off for the nearby well

Knowing Jack would go too and the best thing to do

Would be drop him down straight into hell

Now, you must understand that although Jill had planned

To topple Jack into the well

Jack had played a mind game that had made Jill insane

Or at least that's the tale she would tell

So she beckoned 'Come here' and when he drew near

She gave him one heck of a push

And over he fell right into the well

But instead of a splash there was hush

Jill was anxious to see what the problem could be

So she risked a peek over the edge

Then was heard to scream fkuc it! Jack's just hit the bucket

And landed safely on a ledge

Bewildered, bemused and well, truly confused

Jack gazed up at Jill and did say

I don't know you young lady, but if you would aid me

My fortune I'd quite gladly pay

KERCHING! went Jill's brain ( she was not so insane

as to pass up a chance when she saw one)

She whipped out a pen and some paper and then

Drew up a contract with Jack's name on

'If you would just sign so your fortune is mine

I will gladly pull you from the well

Or there you can stay,' Jill sweetly did say,

'Oh, and no one will hear if you yell'

Of course Jack complied for hard as he tried

He just could not rescue himself

And though quite befuddled he wasn't so muddled

As to want to remain on the shelf

Jill threw down a rope thus giving Jack hope

And he eagerly started to climb

But in Jill's head it popped that unless he were stopped

He'd go back on their pact in no time

As he drew near her course became clear

She just could not let him survive

So screaming, 'Oh No!' She let the rope go

Then watched calmly as Jack took a dive

This time as Jack fell again down the well

He kicked the bucket as he passed

He landed head first and his crown it did burst

So Jill knew that he had breathed his last

Now that Jack had gone Jill's game was on

And she tumbled back into the town

Crying, 'Alas for poor Jack, he's not coming back!

He tripped and the well he fell down

His last gift to me was, as you can see

ALL he did ever possess!

I have it right here, his signature's clear

Now, I'm going to need a new dress'

With no clear evidence of any offence

Jill got clean away with her crime

She profitted too and between me and you

Of remorse there was never a sign

A word to the wise for stalker type guys

You'd better pay heed to this tale

There are still, need I say, females out there today

Who are far deadlier than the male

COLD CASE TOYTOWN

2008-04-22T21:06:00.018Z

THIS WEEK'S EPISODE....

LITTLE JACK HORNER.... A CASE OF ASSAULT BY PIE

Little Jack Horner sat in a corner
Eating his Christmas pie
He put in his thumb and pulled out a plum
And said, " What a good boy am I!"

It were nothing o't' sort, this tale comes up short
It's miles away from being true
A story in place so that Jack could save face
And his mum avoid being charged too

A word to the wise you'd best shut your eyes
If you're easily deeply offended
This tale isn't lewd but it is a bit rude
So it's best prudes don't look 'til it's ended

Little Jack Horner sits in a corner
Rubbing away at his shmeckle
He sits there all day but try as he may
He just can't get rid of the freckle

A freckle so grand his shmeckle can't stand
Without leaning way off to the right
Quite something to see if you're an MD
But otherwise rather a fright

Now Jack's at an age when male hormones rage
And cause things to rise in the night
Which many would say is more than OK
But not if you're faced by the sight

Of a huge hairy freckle a bending your shmeckle
And making it stand all askew
He won't get a date if his shmeckle's not straight
Just what is a boy s'posed to do?

There must be a liniment to fix this predicament
The poor boy thought to himself
I can't ask my mother and as I've no brother
I'll just go and look on the shelf

Ah! here is a cream that should work like a dream
I see that it freezes off warts
Applied to the freckle that cripples my shmeckle
It should bring relief to my parts

So he sat there all day just rubbing away
Unaware that the door was unlocked
As the freckle grew thin his mother walked in
You could see she was visibly shocked

There was her son having way too much fun
A messing around with his shmeckle
From what she could see he'd be blind before tea
(She knew nothing about the huge freckle)

Oh my good God, you mucky young sod!
She screamed upon catching his eye
Is this what you do when I'm not with you?
And to think I just bought you a pie!

Well take that my lad! and with all t' strength she had
She launched the pie in his direction
And, dear friends, I swear it landed full square
On Jack's first ever straight up erection

Needless to say poor Jack limped away
His pie covered shmeckle in hand
And thanks to his mum one badly bruised plum
Which would soon be the talk of the land

It is very sad Jack was a good lad
He tried very hard to go straight
But his shmeckle still leans and it actually seems
To have lost half of its former height

Due to this circumstance theres no hope of romance
But at least Jack could still save some face
He may spend his life with no chance of a wife
But the cover up's firmly in place

And he still has his mum who is proud of her son
(He explained all about the huge freckle)
She knows that he'll stay and he never will stray
Kept at home by his lopsided shmeckle

No charges were filed against mother by child
In spite of assault by plum pie
I don't need, Jack thought, the facts out in court
So I'll just let pie bygones go by

COLD CASE TOYTOWN

2008-04-13T15:52:00.020Z

THIS WEEK'S EPISODE :

MISSY BO PEEP, A BLING TOO FAR!

Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
And doesn't know where to find them
Leave them alone and they'll come home
Wagging their tails behind them

Anyone sane with a functioning brain
Would have doubted this ever could be
So it's no great surprise when we cut through the lies
That a much different story we see

Little Bo Peep fell fast asleep
A negligent shepherdess she
Didn't take care as to where her sheep were
So they went where they oughtn't to be

Adventurous of late they left through the gate
And wandered off down a long lane
Then over the bridge and under the bridge
Sheep aren't, you know, totally sane

Which is one reason why you should keep an eye
If not two on the innocent lambs
Or they'll likely stray, as they did on this day
And get into all sorts of jams

Or as in this case PIES! because Bray Fentos spies
Were lurking about in a truck
Out they did leap upon spying the sheep
And soon they had nabbed the whole flock

Making off with the sheep, who were stacked twenty deep
They were headed for t' nearest pie makers
Who were short of good meat for a tasty pie treat
And di'n't want to become veggie bakers

The sheep were a mess, they were in real distress
They had heard the men speak of their fate
And here's a surprise, they didn't want to be pies
So they needed a way to escape

But what could they do? They were almost int' stew
In a truck that was speeding through town
With no water nor food, yes, and someone had pooed
It was seriously getting them down!

Then Baabaara Ewe said "This just won't do!
We must leave before it's too late.
For if we stay here, it's my greatest fear,
We'll end up on sombody's plate!"

Fortunately a witness did see
All that had lately transpired
A sheepdog called Bob, who from his main job
Had been recently, almost, retired

Now in his spare time he liked to solve crime
Particularly if it rustled
He set off at speed when he saw sheep in need
And soon in on the act he had muscled

By sheer good luck he caught up with the truck
And he saw the tailgate tied with rope
So he had a good chew well, he simply had to
He weret' flock's one and only last hope

The tailgate dropped down in the middle of town
The sheep gave an almighty cheer
Then Bob barked "Don't stand there, obey my command! Er,
And let's get the flock out of here!"

The sheep paid good heed and at once did stampede
Up the road and right out of the town
Herded by Bob, who was good at his job
And soon calmed the woolly heads down

He returned all the sheep to Little Bo Peep
Who had so called slept through the whole thing
But a twitching arose from Bob's keen sleuthing nose
When he saw she was covered in bling

Many had heard how little Bo cared
For her sheep and they thought it a fact
That she'd sold off her flock just to make a quick buck
And her big sleep was just a big act

But to make it legit' and to keep out o't' shit
She'd had the men 'steal' them away
Alas now she'd been caught 'cos of bling that she'd bought
And had no more sense than display

Bo Peep left her job, which was given to Bob
As the farmer arranged a surprise
He butchered the cheat, bling bling hater of sheep
And she ended up in the pies.

Gone in Twenty Seconds......55

2008-03-15T00:56:00.006Z

It headed straight for her and in that moment she knew
she simply didn't care
she could accept the inevitability of her fate
it wasn't that her life flashed before her eyes
more that its destination became clear
she could finally relax
after all
her life had always been

a car crash waiting to happen.

Realisation.........55

2008-03-07T11:56:00.009Z

All that is done here is meaningless
As the cage crazed gibbering
Of our cousin monkey
We, the apes who would be king
Unbound Prometheus yet
Insignificant
Specks
In a godless void
What plan will ever prevail
When all might cease
Instantly
Gone
Suddenly aware
Fully appreciating
The futility of
Existence
I can
Simply
STOP

Fit to Burst

2008-02-29T22:38:00.009Z

The slightest upset caused him to become apoplectic with rage.
His face reddened, his eyes bugged out
and veins throbbed dangerously in his temples.

He reminded her of a grotesque balloon.
A big, round, red balloon.

Pity, she preferred blue balloons.

She pictured it and was amused.
Reaching for the plastic bag.....

She smiled.

Cold Case Toytown

2008-02-24T23:36:00.018Z

This weeks Episode Hey Diddle Diddle My Foot!

Hey Diddle diddle the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon,

the little dog laughed to see such fun, and the dish ran away with the spoon.

This garbled report is a case of the sort

That discredits the average eyewitness

For half of them see what they think things should be

And half of them are just plain witless

Our in depth insight will set this case right

And straighten out all the confusion

And make it so plain that yes, once again

We'd been sold someone's manic delusion

A. Diddle Diddle a cat on the fiddle

Embezzling funds from a Trust

His client's thought, 'Funny, he has so much money,

while we receive barely a crust!'

So they sent in Cow Li,

an auditor she

Was fond of a good old conundrum

She found large amounts in off shore accounts

And she called in the cat to explain 'thum'

The cat smiled and purred that he frankly preferred

That his clients stay ignorant still

Of his plans to abscond to lands over the pond

With the money from their Daddy's will

I cannot agree replied holy Cow Li

Your plan is completely appalling

It's my fervent belief you're a cad and a thief

And your clients I'm gonna be calling

The cat put up his paws and stuck out his claws

Saying, ' Enough of your wanton mischief!'

Then he leapt at Cow Li screamed, 'Meow Chop Suey!'

And attempted to make shredded beef

Cow Li leapt in the air, well it was only fair

Since A. Diddle had launched the attack

And in true Kung Fu style they rose up a mile

And passed the moon on their way back

Now young Tommy Trin who'd been made to stay in

As from measles and mumps he was dying

Saw Cow Li fly by the moon up so high

And immediately stopped all his crying

He called his puppy who was chasing a flea

To come see the comical sight

And they both had a laugh, well the dog went 'Raff Raff'

Before settling down for the night

Cow Li and the cat came hurtling back

Turning somersaults, kicking and screaming

They landed close by to a regular guy

And his girlfriend with whom he was spooning

His beautiful dish gave voice to a wish

That they spoon in a quieter place

So without more delay they both ran away

Thus confusing the facts of this case

But what of the cat and what of the cow

Did the two of them see eye to eye

After many long hours of slugging it out

Were they going to let bygones go by?

Alas for the cat there was no chance of that

Thanks to Cow Li's contingency plan

She'd alerted PD who had finished their tea

And were ready to pounce on their man*

So, A. Diddle Diddle who was caught on the fiddle

Went down for a very long time

He will never be free to enjoy his planned spree

On the Costa del Serious Crime

* Or cat for that matter.

Spring in his Step...........55

2008-02-22T21:12:00.008Z

He sniffed, stretched and sniffed again.
Despite what had to be recognised as a particularly stiff breeze, the crisp morning air carried an undeniable promise of a new season.

Encouraged by the mildness of the late winter days, many plants were already showing tender green shoots.
Ah! he thought as he went inside......

Nooky Time!

Cold Case Toyland

2008-02-17T18:21:00.019Z

This week's Episode: A Tale of Tuffety Terror.....Miss Muffet Exposed!

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider and sat down beside her
And frightened Miss Muffet away....

Or so we have always believed
But we have looked closer
And now can expose the
Way in which we were deceived........

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Pulling on both of its ears
The tuffet was screaming, its poor face was streaming,
With millions of tuffety tears

A passer by spied her and drew alongside her
And said Leave that tuffet alone
He's like me and you, he has feelings too
He isn't, you know, made of stone

By way of reply, Miss M. poked the eye
Of the spider she found there beside her
Then taking her shoe she clobbered him too
And she didn't hold back any either

She screamed I'm Miss Muffet and I beat up tuffets
So butt out for good er ness sake
Just move along Incy or I'll make you Wincy
'Cos all of your legs I will break

Then without more ado, she again raised her shoe
And continued to batter the tuffet
Around his poor head, he was almost quite dead
Indeed he was ready to snuff it!

The spider withdrew, what else could he do?
But he didn't abandon the tuffet
He dropped a round dime and reported the crime
And called the police out to Miss Muffet

Then he bravely cried STOP! I have called a cop,
And you've at least two strikes already
If you don't resist and your violence desist
You'll be dating a butch girl called Teddy!

Miss Muffet did pause but only because
She wanted to look at the grass
She shouted That's it! and dropped the tuffet
So she could go kick spider ass

The spider, incensed by her insolence,
Drew himself up to full height
And as she came near he aimed at her rear
And kicked her with all of his might

She took to the air, and to be very fair
It may have appeared like fright
The look on her face as she travelled through space
In a definitely unscheduled flight

The tuffet meanwhile, just managed a smile
Before limping away to get help
A piteous sight, he limped into the night
With a sob and a sigh and a yelp

Having finished their tea, the Toyland PD
Had lately arrived on the scene
And it was plain to see from the tuffet debris
What a dreadful assault there had been

So they handcuffed Miss Muffet for GBH on a tuffet
And took her before Justice Curd
Who sent her awhey for many a long day
Because, as strikes go, 'twas her third

But what of the spider and what of the tuffet
Were they traumatised by this event?
Well, happily no, they let the past go
And now live in a cottage in Kent.

What Goes Around.........55

2008-02-15T13:23:00.005Z

You're late..... Hurry up...
RUN WOMAN RUN....

So long for chores..... so long for shopping,
not a second unaccounted for.... not a moment's respite....
until she'd finally turned on him.

She'd always said she'd make him run one day.
So, as she turned the timer and watched the ashes pass through the glass...
She smiled.

Tempus Fugit..........55

2008-02-10T13:11:00.000Z

The Age of Aquarius had dawned, yawned, stretched and learnt a new wrinkle.*

The Hand of Time waved cheerily as it hastened along.

The Sands of Time fair danced through the eggtimer of existence.

Old Father Time watched gleefully

as the victim was drawn, kicking and screaming,(dragging her feet anyway) towards yet another......BIRTHDAY!

*Find out more about Aquarius and see the original picture at www.crystalinks.com/aquarius.html (I would have done a link but I can't remember how - see, the effects of my birthday, my brain's practising for old age!)

ps. At least 2 people, if not 3 have been kind enough to give me awards which I have not got round to acknowledging yet. I'm sorry for the delay and I will sort this out as soon as things round here get a little less hectic.

PerSIStence is Futile......55

2008-02-01T16:58:00.000Z

I don't know what to do about him.
I said 'No' politely, I didn't want to belittle him.

Now he simply won't go away!

He sends flowers and gifts.

He calls at all hours, 'just checking,' it freaks me out!

He's even followed me!

Relax sis, he won't trouble you again.

She smiled.

Nursery Crimes...The Truth Behind The Rhymes

2008-01-26T22:33:00.000Z

COLDCASE TOYTOWN

THIS WEEK'S EPISODE

HUMPTY DUMPTY - WHEN GOOD EGGS GO....er.... MAD!

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
Exuberant as ever and having a ball
Crowing to all what a difference it made
Bragging that he had been recently laid

Then, experts would have us believe, he just fell
And expired by accident-WHAT? Did he hell
If you will allow me I'd like to explain
Explode this old myth and perspective regain
The truth is in that which Humpty exclaimed
Therein lies the answer to how he was maimed

Exactly what happened, if I might make so bold
Is that, on hearing love's virtues, by Humpty extolled
Chicken Little was anxious his claims to explore
To expose the 'love interest' as some kind of whore
So she wandered afar and she wandered anear
And came back with a truth that was shattering to hear

Humpty didn't expect - it was hard to believe
It was cracking him up and he needed to leave
By means expeditious - scrambled to his feet
His world had exploded, he was feeling the heat
Extremely upset by the news that he'd heard
He thought he could fly so he made like a bird

In true tragic style his own end he found
As he failed to take off and experienced the ground

And as for the king's men, they were soldiers you see
They went straight for the yolk, and the rest's history

But they weren't the culprits in Humpty's demise
No, Humpty was killed by a Chicken's surprise

So what, be exact, did the chicken uncover?
What fatal fact did she bring to her brother?
Well, imagine how you'd feel ,were you to discover
That the chick that just laid you was really your mother!

A Change is as Good.............55

2008-01-25T23:05:00.000Z

It was too easy, too predictable.
Killing him wasn't punishment enough.
What did they say?

"Death's too good for him."

But punished he must be....so how?
A fate worse than death?
She ran her fingers along his prized possession.

Living with the knowledge that its loss was his fault!
Doused it.
Lit it.
Smiled.

Happy New Year......55

2008-01-17T23:45:00.000Z

He cornered her at the Party...
"New Year's Resolutions? Not me! I mean, what is there to change?
I'm perfection personified, a total babe magnet! Tell the truth, you came over because you couldn't resist me," he smarmed, "So you tell me, what could I possibly give up?"

Midnight struck,

stiletto flashed,

"Breathing." she smiled

A Winter's Tale

2007-12-20T09:14:00.000Z

Twas the night before Christmas , when all through the house
not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.*

Then from the front room came the terrible sound
of half of the chimney breast hitting the ground
And in the debris, as the dust cleared away
were Santa and Rudolph....oh yes, and the sleigh!

Santa was shocked and still in quite a daze,
when the angry tree fairy got right in his face.

The beautiful tree she'd been proud to adorn

was now squashed in a heap and its lights were all..er...gorn.
Her crown was all wonky, her wings were askew
and to make matters worse, her wand was bent too!

Hic, Santa Baby, Hic, What a surprise!
We knew you were coming, we left out mince pies.

We didn't expect that you'd make such a din, (hic)
but I suppose that's because YOU BROUGHT THE SLEIGH IN!
Call yourself Santa you silly old fool,
you need to go back to sleigh driving school! (hic)
Now look at the mess, you've demolished my tree,
I had such a shock, I drank the brandy (hic)

With this outburst of rage, and because fairies don't drink,
she staggered to the kitchen and threw up in the sink.

Santa was drowning in gloom and dismay

So Rudolph spoke up in a 'save the day' way

His nose glowed bright red as with one magic thought,
all of the elves from the North Pole he brought.

In no time at all, they'd fixed the whole room
which was good, as it was Christmas Day really soon!

So Santa left pressies where they should've been

and nothing was missing from't seasonal scene -
except for the fairy, who, fissed as a puck,
wandered outside and was hit by a truck

that was busy delivering a brown fizzy drink....
is coke really good for you? Mmm, makes you think.**

But wait I digress, what of Santa and crew?
(They'll soon be appearing in a home near you)
There was only one thing left that they had to do
With a cry of 'Ho Ho Ho' and a 'Merry Christmas' wish
They took off and.....
demolished next door's satellite dish.......

but that's another story.

.

*Clement Clarke Moore 1823

** There are other trucks carrying other brands of coke which may equally have hit the fairy...there were no witnesses!

Seasonal Stuff

2007-12-14T21:51:00.000Z

Christmas Illuminations (55)

Every year he'd spend hours testing lights - buying bigger 'better' displays.
Him and the silly sod next door, competing like kids.

This year she'd 'helped' - it was just basic circuitry.

So for once she'd seen the point, she'd even counted down....
.....until he threw the switch and as his little face ........

lit up.......

She smiled.

Absent Friends

Spare a thought for the turkey

As Christmas draws near

Just whisper of cranberries

So that he won't hear

Don't show him the stuffing

It fills him with fear

And when speaking of menus

Don't make it too clear

That while you are munching

And swigging down beer

He won't be around

To greet the New Year

2 x 55

2007-12-07T22:20:00.000Z

Eating Up With the Jones'

"Can't imagine what's happened to the Jones', " twittered the guest, "I'm sure they said they'd be here...."

"They're probably with us in spirit," the hostess reassured him, "Please, enjoy your dinner everyone!".............

"You must give me the recipe for this meat dish....best pork I've ever tasted! "

"Really?...It's an old.... family.... recipe."

She smiled

A Cautionary Tail

It'd been the perfect Christmas gift.
Cute, funny - entertainment for the whole family.
It'd leaked a bit at first but that was soon fixed.
Later though, growing maintenance costs became problematic.
The novelty wore off. Taking care of it became a chore.
If only they'd remembered.....

A dog is for life, not just for Christmas.

Lost and Found

2007-12-06T12:37:00.000Z

Little Boy Lost

Count to a thousand and I'll be back for you

She said as she walked through the door

So he counted

Every day he counted

He watched

And waited

And counted

For days and weeks

He counted

For months and years

He counted

Long past a thousand

He counted

But she didn't come back for him

She'd gone

To a new life

With a new man

And a new child

And he didn't count any more.

Little Boy Found

I hear your cries my child

But I cannot see you

You strayed from my side

Too far

The night closes in

And the strange sounds scare you

The danger's now greater

By far

My hunt grows more urgent

I won't desert you

I'm closing in fast, there

You are!

Birthday Wishes from Father

2007-11-30T12:28:00.000Z

He stood watching her.
Did she have to laugh so?
Didn't she know she was inconvenient?
Didn't she know he had problems?
Angrily, he turned his back and left her laughing.....
in her pram.

Years later he told her -
You must remember, I could simply never love you.
I didn't want you to be born."

Just to say....

2007-11-28T21:29:00.000Z

I haven't disappeared into the ether, so put away the party gear you at the back! I am a bit busy but I hope to get a few blogging minutes to myself later this week. Take care everyone, have a great week, and if you think of anything I wouldn't do, do it and let me know how it went!

Close Call.....55

2007-11-16T18:08:00.000Z

Cause of death exsanguination, wounds consistent with suicide, several lesser 'hesitation cuts' and two deep lacerations severing the arteries.

Definitely suicide?

Indubitably, Detective.

He'd taped a full confession to the murders, Sir.

I know, Sergeant, but I was sure we had our killer.

Still................. we can't hold the suspect.

Outside the Police Station.....

She smiled.

Cathy Said.......55 and bonus poem

2007-11-09T21:30:00.000Z

Cathy said "Go kill someone!" and so to keep her happy, I have! ( Not literally you understand.) For all you fans of joy, hope, ickle pink fluffy bunnies and the lesser spotted less macabre Pauline, what can I say? Blame my naughty little sister!

Fatal Weakness (Access Denied) 55

You gazed into my eyes for hours
I loved you truly
We shared our deepest thoughts and feelings
and so deeply
Spent nights of endless passion, declared ourselves soulmates
even madly

Tears of blood spatter my face
Leaving you this way rents my soul asunder
It must be so
Another door silently closes
I smile.

Smoking Kills

I know you love your cigarettes

You need your daily fix

And so inside each one I've put

The nicotine of six

And at the rate you smoke them

Say eighty every day

You'll soon have smoked enough I think

For us to do away

With dirty ashtrays everywhere

And cig butts down the loo

In fact you'll find you've smoked enough

To do away with you!

Two Birds, One Stone.....55

2007-11-01T18:53:00.000Z

I was recently tagged by Azzitizz to write about five strengths so that is the subject of this week's 55 offering. Again, no-one dies. Mmm, is anyone else getting withdrawal symptoms?

Loyalty
Without this there can be neither trust nor friendship.

Determination
The ability to remain constant to a cause despite adversity.

Empathy
An inability to empathise enables our indifference to suffering.

Compassion
Without this empathy is impotent.

Intelligence
The gift which should allow us to protect our world for every living creature.

maybe one day!

Grey and Blue Before You

2007-10-27T19:14:00.000Z

A flat grey day
No hint of blue in the sky
No sign of sun
Drizzle

Monotonous

Drizzle

Illness and decay surround me
Constant reminders
Draining my life
Leaving me

Tired

Uninspired

Then I see your face
Your joy, your love
Revive my spirit
Bring me peace
Give me hope

Of a better day

Tomorrow

Left Outside Alone 55 (x2)

2007-10-19T14:01:00.000Z

SURPRISE !

Hi Chrissy, is Mum there?

Yeah, hang on.

Hello love, where are you?

At home. Why?

Well, if you don't hurry up there'll be no buffet left.

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

It's my Birthday Party.

Your birthday's on Sunday....

Yes, but Chrissy organised a surprise party. Why aren't you here?

I wasn't invited

PARTY NIGHT

Laughter and thudding music overhead.

Another of their famous parties in full swing.

Every other weekend everyone piled upstairs to join in the fun.

Unwanted

She turned up her stereo and defiantly sang along.

You can't hurt me!

Excluded

Inventing her own friends, fighting the lonely tears, pretending she wasn't in her room dancing......

The Sun Doesn't Shine From His Backside, But I bet I Could Beat Out a Rainbow

2007-10-12T07:57:00.000Z

When we were kids you were bullied.
I said I would wait and catch each of those responsible
alone
as they'd caught you.
They met me en masse at the school gates.
It made no difference, they were dead meat.

Now you're being bullied again.
We're older, true.
Methods may change.
Nothing else ever will.

Bonus 55

Flying Visit

She'd told them many times,

"Nobody messes with my family..."

But they hadn't listened, no, they hadn't believed her capable of it.

That was good, now they'd never suspect.

Bending close she whispered,

"You shouldn't have hurt her ! "

He writhed, froth bubbling, eyes pleading then............glazed.

She stepped over him.

At the airport, she smiled.

Apologies

2007-10-08T17:20:00.000Z

First of all, sorry folks, I missed 55 Friday I was feeling a bit under the weather last week and didn't get around to posting anything. Normal service should resume this week, I hope!

I have to thank Akelamalu for bestowing this

lovely award on me, sorry it's taken a while to get around to posting it. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to pass it on, I'll check.

Last but not least, TC tagged me to put a picture of my desktop up. I can't do that but I can show you the background picture....

.....this looks very much like Heidi, who some of you may recall died suddenly on June 19th. I thought I had all the time in the world to take photos of her but it wasn't to be. This picture reminds me of Heidi and even though I know it's not her it's been a comfort while I've been trying to get over the shock of losing her.

Have a great week everyone!

Damsel.........55

2007-09-28T13:51:00.000Z

He watched her work the room.
Sashaying from man to man,
a word, a smile, a familiar gesture,
adding to the knights around her table.

He'd been there, dazzled by her light
uplifted by her merest murmur,
taken for all he had......
and yet.....

He smiled a bitter smile...

He'd do it all again tomorrow.

Dancing Bears....there is no excuse

2007-09-27T07:20:00.000Z

See the gaily dancing bear
In town every day
See him turn and stand up tall
See him wave and sway

He's just like my teddy bear
With whom I love to play
Could we take him home at all
So he can dance all day

Bear cubs are stolen from the den while the mother is out looking for food or after the thieves have killed her

The cub is held down while a large needle is used to make a hole through the bear's nose and palate and a rope is forced through the hole. No anaesthetic is used. The wounds often become infected and the constant chafing of the rope prevents healing.

The jerking of the rope causes the bear extreme pain and makes him move his legs up and down. The 'dancing' is actually the bear hopping from foot to foot in agony.

To protect the 'handler' the bears teeth are ripped out and sold as good luck charms.
Without his teeth the bear cannot eat the proper foods and many suffer from digestive problems and malnutrition.

The average life expectancy of a bear in the wild can be up to 30 years.
The average life expectancy of a 'dancing' bear is 8 years.

Somehow I don't feel like dancing, do you?

If you want to help STOP this and other abuse against animals, a visit heremight be a good place to start.

Memories........55

2007-09-20T21:14:00.000Z

I thought I'd have a change this week just so you all don't think macabre is all there is to me, or to put it another way, so I won't be committed any time soon. Of course if anyone is desperate for the macabre just say so and I'll see what I can do. In the meantime here are one or two memories........

1/

We'd sit on the doorstep, jostling each other for the best position - each wanting to be the first to see him.

After what seemed like an eternity, he'd appear at the corner.
With shrieks of delight we'd race to him.....our reward?
Packets of Beechnut gum,

thrupenny bits or......

just to hold hands

with Grandad.

2/

Every weekend, rain or shine, travelling on two buses......
you'd visit.
.

Shopping bag packed to overflowing....
"I was on the market love, I saw these so I brought you some." Or,

"Here's the knitting for the kids."

Three perfectly knitted suits in flecked wool, one pink, one blue, one yellow...... and a jumper.

Thanks Grandma!

3/

KIM

We stood for hours
Just you and I
In the pouring rain

Looking out across the garden

Mum called out, "Any sign yet?"
"No, mummy, not yet!"
"Are you alright?"
"Yes, we're OK"

You looked at me,
"Don't worry, I won't leave you.
Dad will see the vet was wrong.....
You're not going to vomit."

Thinking Inside the Box......55

2007-09-14T19:38:00.000Z

(Warning ! contains image that may scare the beejasus out of someone)

Total Darkness .....Where am I?

Unconscious.....how long?

Something's crawling over me, I....can't....move!

Stay calm.

Just wriggle......now feel around......a box??

What's that smell? Damp earth.....on my chest??

Oh God ! I REMEMBER !

Lips drawn back in sheer terror........ nails clawing desperately.....

HELP ME..... PLEEE....EASE !

I'M NOT DEAD !!

NOT DEAD........... he whimpered.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

2007-09-14T12:50:00.000Z

I will be posting my 55 offering later today, to be honest I haven't written it yet, but there is something else I want to say, and I might as well say it now. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

Even those of you who are kind enough to visit regularly would be hard put to to say that you know much about me. This is entirely my responsibility as I have chosen, on the whole, not to write about personal details and even my profile is less than forthcoming. The one thing that is known is that I have a brother and sister who also blog. This has never been a secret but I would point out that having a brother or a sister is not the same as being them and neither does it entail being their keeper.

Were I to make a comment on someone's blog which caused offence, either to that blogger or their readers, I would expect and deal with the reactions of said blogger and/or readers. As it happens I choose to follow the adage "If you have nothing nice to say don't say anything."
So, to the best of my recollection, I have made no offensive or nasty comments, not that I'm any kind of angel, I just consider such behaviour to be extremely childish and a complete waste of time.

Therefore, should my brother or sister make a comment that, either intentionally or otherwise, causes offence I do not appreciate third parties taking a swipe in my direction whether or not it is in the name of defence of another blogger. Take it up with the sibling concerned, they are both more than capable of defending themselves should the occasion arise ( as for that matter are most of the bloggers I have encountered) and they neither require nor expect my intervention or involvement. Do not seek to drag me into your petty squabbles, if anything, you will only succeed in boring me for a moment.

If I disagree with a comment made by my brother or my sister I will make such clear by my own comment and it is my own comment for which I am responsible, no one else's. It is not my role to apologise for, or even defend their actions nor do they expect me to. Anyone who wishes to stop by here, have a read and leave/ not leave a comment is welcome to do so. If a comment is downright offensive I will delete it, as is my right, simply because playground behaviour does not interest me.

In reality I know that there are those out there who will find it impossible to restrain themselves from lashing out wildly. I consider that fact to reflect more on their own characters than on anything else and would even venture to suggest, were I able to summon the interest, that they are more involved in pursuing their own ends than in defending anyone else.

I trust this makes my position clear and teaches those in any doubt a little about who I am.

What did you serve with the soup darling?........55

2007-09-06T22:41:00.000Z

The room is quiet,cool, bright.

Good, he doesn't like darkness.

He's completely paralysed, mute, yet totally aware beneath the crisp sheet......

Footsteps........Doctor's Rounds?......something pulls his toe.

"Drawer 20"

Wheels squeeeeak.......squeeeeeak.......squeeeeeak.......

Oh God! ......No ooh!

Door Clangs

BLACKNESS

Pleeease ! I'm not dead !!

His terrified screams are heard.........

only in his tormented mind.

Behind Closed Doors.......55

2007-08-31T21:33:00.000Z

I haven't loved you for years, your brutality saw to that.

Fear fooled me into staying "For our son's sake."

Now he's gone, bullied by you, an overdose...

My only child, gone.

I'm leaving.

Don't rouse yourself from drunken stupor.

Unlit gas pours in. Boiler ignites on time. Conflagration!

She watches, then drives away, smiling.

A Project

2007-08-27T20:41:00.000Z

Ruth did a post about this a few days ago and I thought it seemed like a good idea.You can find out more by clicking here

Messing about on the Water...........55

2007-08-24T15:51:00.000Z

Was coming home a day early a mistake?

At least now she knew.....

Blood in the water actually works Darling!

He couldn't move but he was totally aware......of the knife.....the cuts.....

They're here!

She smiled into terrified eyes, and tipped him overboard.

She knew he was happy

He loved sleeping with dinner guests!

Here's One I Made Earlier

2007-08-23T00:41:00.000Z

I am really tired this week, so just to keep things ticking over until I find the energy to do more (I am in the middle of writing a story too mind you) here's a bit of literary bubble'n'squeak.

And so to bed...

I lie beside you watching as you sleep
And for your manly beauty I could weep
Recalling passion lost so long ago
Forgetting for a moment all I know

Reality steps in, my fancy stalls,
As you in slumber start to scratch your balls
Without demur the same hand you then put
Around the back so you can scratch your butt

Sweet memories embracing me no more
As opening your mouth you start to snore
At last my disillusionment complete
When rudest wind erupts to raise the sheet

My dreams are dashed and driven from my head
Starting tomorrow you'll have your own bed

By Pauline

Lost!.....55

2007-08-17T16:28:00.000Z

Oh no! The door's wide open! Where's George?

Desperately she scanned the busy road. No sign!

Closing the door, she began a frantic search of the house, tears welling as the possibilities assailed her imagination.

"George!,"she cried, "Where are you?"

Squealing brakes outside........THUD!

"George!!" she screamed, crumpling, sickened, inconsolable.

Then.......

Miaow!

He's here!

Decisions Decisions and an Award

2007-08-13T18:41:00.000Z

As I said before, I have been pondering the future of this blog. This came about because I had been travelling around the blogosphere and on my travels I'd seen so many instances of sheer nastiness and bitchiness that I was left feeling quite disgusted. It never ceases to amaze me how often human beings, when given the opportunity to reach out and communicate, will reach out in hatred and vilification of total strangers without a thought for the consequences of their miserable outpourings of vitriol.That, together with an incident which I cannot go into here, made me wonder if the blogosphere was a place worth visiting at all. I was ready to turn my back and exit blog left.

Then I decided that I needed to balance my disillusionment with some positivity so I visited some of my usual haunts and I looked at the comments left here over the last few weeks and in so many of the aspects of those pages I found creativity and humour, things which I have enjoyed and which I see no reason to sacrifice for the sake of a demented minority.

I realised that the blogosphere is a microcosm of the human condition and that there will be bad bits and good bits right? There will be predators, psychotics and all manner of fruit loops out there on display and sometimes trying to drag down that which they envy or cannot understand. On the other hand there are some genuine people out there who simply wish to express their creativity and share it with others. Luckily the former group is easily identified (if only because so many of them choose to sign themselves 'anonymous') these elements can only do harm if they are allowed to do so and I for one refuse to take their poison or involve myself in their sad games.

Instead, I choose to 'accentuate the positive' and so folks here I will stay sadder maybe, wiser too but still as mad as a bag of squirrels! Anyone who doesn't like it is hereby cordially invited to suck on a bag of lemons 'til their head explodes.

So, that said, I must thank Akelamalu who recently honoured me with this

rather surprising award which I can now proudly display, and in turn I would like to pass it on to:
Cathy, Ali, Blanco, Lime, Val,ebezp and Snowelf because they all make me laugh and that helped me to put things in perspective and inspired me to stay.

So, thanks again Akelamalu, thanks everyone for your encouragement to stay and I'll be seeing you all for many posts to come!

Thanks L.C. for the Inspiration ...55

2007-08-11T14:08:00.000Z

Some of you may have seen this over at my sister Cathy's place. It is one of mine though so don't go worrying that I've taken to plagiarism. I've had a busy week and I am mulling over a particularly thorny and unpleasant problem at the moment which involves considering the future of this blog. More about that maybe when I've analysed the situation thoroughly. So in the meantime I hope you will forgive me for rehashing this early offering.......

Twas brilig and the slithy toves had just done gyring and gymbling in the mire and were wondering what to do next. The borogroves were still a bit mimsy and probably not ready to drink yet. The threshers were shut and the sans berets couldn't sell borogroves after 3pm on a brilig. Oh mire !

Screaming Meme Monday

2007-08-06T13:29:00.000Z

Aaaaarrrrgggghhhh! I've been tagged by Blancodeviosa to answer 5 questions so here goes...

Where do you picture yourself in 5 years and why?

I don't plan that far ahead any more. Recent events make plans seem futile.

What is you favourite memory of childhood ?

Sitting on the floor next to my grandad watching the shapes in the flames of an open fire.

If you could choose your parents, would you change ?

No, but I might change some of the things they did.

Do you think we just exist or do we have a specific purpose ?

I'm not sure we do exist. Today I choose to believe that the gods are playing Sims and that our purpose is to entertain them, maybe.

If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why ?

Somewhere with lots of animals and not many people, Noah's Ark forinstance or next door to Grizzly Adams because people mostly annoy me.

OK so now I get to inflict this on 5 more people and I get to ask 5 questions. So, Cathy, ali, Snowelf, ebezp and Val, here are your starters for 10....

1. If you could remove one evil from the world what would it be ?

2. What is your most enduring memory of your teenage years ?

3. If you were to leave everything to one good cause what would it be ?

4. What was your greatest treasure as a child ?

5. If you could choose anyone at all, who would you invite to dinner ?

Guaranteed Weight Loss Programme.......55

2007-08-03T13:28:00.000Z

Lose weight, eat less, do more ? How dare he! A size 10, run off her feet, with hardly time to eat! He'd meant to hurt her, bastard!

Still, she'd taken his 'advice'.

She'd studied..

..... made his favourite treat....... watched him eat.... perhaps she should've thanked him?

After all, she'd just....

lost 168lb in 10 minutes.

BlahBlah Bandit Blags Bling Bling Boots

2007-07-29T18:44:00.000Z

HAVE YOU SEEN THESE SHOES?

Interpol is today appealing for help in tracing the notorious Blah Blah Bandit after a recent worldwide spate of thefts of footwear left victims with toes exposed to the elements.

These mules were snatched from the feet of Madame Foufou Labelle as she walked her pet poodle in Paris France. Still shocked, Madame Labelle later gave a statement to local police "Je suis desolee, mes pieds sont tres froids. Trouvez vous mes souliers s'il vous plait!"

These were grabbed in Greece from the feet of Eleni Popadopapoulis. Too distressed to be interviewed, she could only repeat "Po po po! Ti kanoume, ti Kanoume!"

A passer by captured these before and after images of a recent theft in Oregon USA. The victim (who wishes to remain anonymous in case his wife finds out he borrowed her shoes and lost them) was walking down the street with his feet looking like this

and just moments later found himself on the grass verge with his feet like this,

The witness was knocked to the ground as the Blah Blah Bandit made good his escape. He was however able to capture this image of the perps foot

Another witness was able to give a statement to the local Sheriff....

"At first I thought it was Bigfoot out playing pranks, but I realised it was a man in a hairy suit when he jumped into a ...um...erm..Honda Civic and sped away at between 39 and 42 mph"

Police Chiefs all over the USA are now on high alert, many have even put down their coffee and do-nuts for a moment, as it is feared that the seriousnes of the attacks is escalating. Many feet have been left totally traumatised by the loss of their footwear. Take a look at these before and after images of a recent attack:

Here we have happy dancing feet....

and here the same feet after the attack, clearly in a state of total collapse.

Luckily paramedics arrived promptly on the scene and were able to revive them

So what is known about the Blah Blah Bandit?

FBI profilers are at a loss." We know that the unsub is male and that he only takes stiletto heeled shoes. We know that he wears the shoes and is not simply collecting them. We know that he drives a Honda Civic and although we feel for him on that score, it does not excuse his naughtiness. Also, we can extrapolate from the facts at our disposal that he probably started by just admiring shoes in shop windows, moved on to 'borrowing' them from friends and family and as his confidence grew, escalated his behaviour to the point he is at now. Someone out there must know this man. Has anyone you know suddenly grown taller? Take a look at his feet. Help us to help him before it's too late!"

A heartfelt plea indeed from law enforcement but it may already be too late for the bandit. It is widely rumoured that one pair of shoes that he 'borrowed' actually belongs to an extremely dangerous assassin from 'The Sisterhood' whose exploits are the subject of legends (in 55 words or less) and who is not known for her forgiving nature. If she had a name no-one would be brave enough to say it out loud so she is referred to in whispers as 'She who must be avoided at all costs and from whom we definitely don't want to 'borrow' any stilettoes.' If the bandit has been foolish enough to abscond with her stilettoes his minutes may well be numbered, in very small numbers at that!

His only hope is that someone will recognise him from this photo taken by an anonymous source who witnessed the bandit trying on his latest acquisition. On issuing this photo the police confirmed that they are determined to get to the bottom of this affair and are hoping for an informer who will not get cold feet about testifying.

DO YOU KNOW THIS MAN ?

Dob him in now before he has it on his toes again!

Afternoon Tea

2007-07-27T17:52:00.000Z

....... Like I said to Ethel, there's nothing the council can do about it. I mean, it's her private property she's using so it's her business not theirs and if she wants.......please do have another cake.........to bury him under the patio with the others well, he was her husband after all.

More tea Vicar?

Scroll down for this week's bonus 55 !

Room To Let

2007-07-27T17:37:00.000Z

Yes, it is a lovely room. We've had many lodgers over the years, some have stayed for quite a considerable time.

It's such a shame that you had to come down here though. I did ask you not to if you recall....

Curiosity I suppose.... Mmm?...What's in the trunks?

THWACK !

Why, your predecessors of course!

55 Friday

2007-07-20T00:38:00.000Z

You know how it is, you wait all week for a 55 to come to mind, then three arrive at once. So here are this week's offerings, think of it as read 2 get 1 free week.
Scroll on down !

By the way, thank you all again for the comforting words last week. These are for you...

A Sultry Summer's Day.....(55)...1 of 3

2007-07-19T23:55:00.000Z

Glorious warmth soaked her bones as she wandered idly amidst waist high grasses and wild flowers. Perfect peace.
.......and yet......
She shivered, momentarily chilled.
Silly!
She drifted, drawn now towards a small copse....
.....something not ........not quite.......
The silence!
No living thing stirred here !
....... too late ! .......
Long dead crows cawed, briefly echoing her bloodcurdling

SCREAM !!!

Deadlier than the Male.....(55)...2 of 3

2007-07-19T23:43:00.000Z

There'd been no choice. He couldn't let her continue to kill so he'd poisoned her.
She lay on the divan as if sleeping, but paler, he thought. He drew her still warm body into his arms.

Her eyes opened!

Whaaat...? She'd realised that he knew - had read his intentions - her coffee was untouched!

She smiled.

Plight of the Navigator.........(55)....3 of 3

2007-07-19T23:23:00.000Z

So, we're not lost?

No, we're not lost.

You're sure?

Of course I'm sure. We're not lost !

I thought maybe we should've turned left back there.

I followed the directions exactly !

So, we're definitely not lost?

FOR THE LAST TIME WE ARE NOT LOST !!!

So this isn't a field...

erm....

and that isn't a sheep...?

Clown of Straw......... (55)

2007-07-13T01:28:00.000Z

I stare at the blank page. No words come to me.No story clamours in my head. No witty tale. No drama. Only my grief seeks expression and who would wish to share such sorrow? My heart holds more tears than a monsoon sky. The shock of loss still tangible. My strength a hollow pretence.

I'll give it an 8

2007-07-11T22:23:00.000Z

I have been tagged by Val and Cathy who both seem to think that I know 8 things about me to which others should be made privy. I will get them at playtime I promise, but in the meantime.....

I was born at a very early age.

I distinctly remember thinking, "I'm pink therefore I'm Spam."

My favourite game in Reception Class was Wendy House Fire.

My 1st school was run by penguins.The chief penguin often checked my head for 6s.

I'm so easy going I'm almost comatose.

I believe in Father Christmas.

I used to have a pair of these,but someone blah blah blagged them!

I'm not crazy, I'm merely working on my defence.

HUSH LITTLE BABY..........(55)

2007-07-06T14:13:00.000Z

"Keep the baby quiet!" he hisses. He's a good Papa - just terrified.
She draws the mewling infant closer to her breast, "Hush, please don't cry! "

FOOTSTEPS BELOW

Every fibre tenses,

breath held,

moments......... pass........... like............. hours .......

"Niemand innen hier!"

At last they're gone!

The baby's quietened now. She rocks his lifeless body.

Tears falling silently.....

Honorary Girl Blogger Award

2007-07-02T13:11:00.000Z

So, as you may have noticed, I was recently awarded a Rocking Girl Blogger badge.
I was a little disappointed while awarding the badge to 5 new recipients that I was unable to include some of my favourite blogs because they are written by Boy Bloggers. Anyway, problem solved. The amazing Lime, made a comment that we should make Dan an honorary girl blogger Brilliant idea Lime! So I have adjusted the badge accordingly and will nominate my 3 (not 5 because it takes a really special Boy to be an Honorary Girl). This award can be made by Rocking Girl Bloggers only, if that's you and you would like to give a worthy Boy Blogger this award, feel free!
My nominations are Travis who, as I said recently, writes belting stories, Dan who is a great guy and who gave us the array of badge colours now available and Michael because apart from being my brother, he is soooo funny. Sorry boys, you don't get to nominate, but then do you really want to be calling fellow boys honorary girls? I suspect not. Choose your badge and wear it proudly!(matching skirts and handbags optional).

Finally, I would like to acknowledge the creator of the Rocking Girl Blogger award Roberta Ferguson, great idea Roberta!

And the Winner is.......

2007-07-01T12:53:00.001Z

My sister, Cathy has very kindly given my humble blog an award.

I am , needless to say, deeply honoured and somewhat gobsmacked being as how I have not been blogging for very long. Although Cathy is not given to outrageous acts of nepotism she did get me into the blogosphere and probably feels guilty for spreading the addiction (teehee).

As I had no expectation of receiving this award I have no speech prepared, well other than these few notes just tucked in my skirt pocket....now, let's see.

I would like to thank my husband for his tireless support (but I am not married) my children for leaving mummy alone while she's at the computer (oops, none of those either) my agent for taking a mere 98% of everything ( won't be getting one of those then) and the BBC Costumes Dept. for the disguise now that I'm famous ( well, what they actually said was "Here's a bag , wear it!). So, it just remains for me to thank Cathy....Thanks sis! ....and think of 5 more award winners to include in the honours.

And the winners are.....

Akelamalu just for making me laugh. MissUnderstood for her services to Donkeys, Sheep and Haggis and for getting off her butt to help others. Val one of Vincent D'Onofrio's greatest fans, I'm not mad about him myself, but if you are you'll love this blog and I just think that such dedication deserves an award! Mimi who already has one of these but deserves another for rocking the world with her peace globes! Finally, my mum, Maria, who not only is a longstanding Rocking Girl but has apparently produced two more. She is a reluctant blogger so I give award in the hope of encouraging her to blog on!

Finally I would just like to give a shout out to Travis whose writing I really enjoy and Dan who makes me laugh and who also gets off his butt to help others. Not to forget Michael who just happens to be my brother. If only they would agree to make a couple of tiny changes, they too could become Rocking Girl Bloggers, hum hah, well they rock anyway!

Rocking Girls, please select your preferred colour of badge and award away to 5 recipients of your choosing. I am going to take care of the all important post award ceremony drinkies. Cheers!

I Don't

2007-07-01T12:09:00.000Z

Darling I would marry you
But I'm not that insane
I have a business, house and car
So just what would I gain ?

True love is an imbalance
Of bio-chemistry
So the passion we are feeling
Is mere insanity

I don't need to do your laundry
Or roll your socks in pairs
And I won't see my bathroom sink
Full of your nasal hairs

I don't need to cook great meals
For some ungrateful guy
Who wouldn't even notice
If I fed him dog meat pie*

I won't be disappointed
By your disloyalty
When you make your sad excuses
Or tell your lies to me

You won't take me for granted
Or cause my love to die
Your cruellest indifference
Will never make me cry

So be a prince my darling
And frog like hop away
I'll sign no crazy contract
To spoil my happy day!

* just so long as it came with chips!

Anyone who still doubts that I am happily single, read again,
Farewell My Love, And So to Bed and Tell Me Again Why I Married You and then ask yourself, Do I seem anxious to enjoy marital disbliss ?

The Lovers (a bonus 55)

2007-06-30T13:40:00.000Z

He could not see her clearly in the darkness but her perfume was unmistakable - intoxicating. He hurried to her. They embraced as best they could in the confined space and moments later lost themselves in the accumulated passion of months of separation.

Finally spent, he turned to her and asked, " Darling.......

......did the earth move ? "

Whosoever these shall fit (55)

2007-06-29T09:59:00.001Z

Cinders, whirled around the ballroom like a demented floor polisher by the prince himself. Every woman in the room green with envy. Nothing could spoil it now!
Wait a minute, something's slipping...slipping. Can't dance with knees together - must get out! Waddle to exit quickly! Too late, gone!

Step out, walk on, don't look back!

Accident Here, Can U Help ? (A happy little 55)

2007-06-26T19:20:00.000Z

It was dark. She was cold, lying on the wet road listening to cars hissing by.

She remembered she'd been rushing home to the children. Who would feed them now ? Surely the driver should've stopped ? He knew he'd hit her.
She struggled to stand, no use. Wouldn't anyone help her ? No.....

She was just roadkill.

Heidi

2007-06-19T17:11:00.000Z

My beloved German Shepherd, Heidi, died suddenly while playing with her companion, Anya,today. I cannot sufficiently express the devastation I feel. My Forgetmenots poems were inspired by my grief over losing my long time companion GS Siana. I was only just beginning to come to terms with losing her just over 2 years ago.

I was blessed by Heidi's company and affection for only a short time (she would have been 2 years old next month) yet the pain of losing her is hardly less. I cannot believe she has been stolen from me. I never even had a chance to save her though I tried desperately to resuscitate her.

I am glad that she did not suffer and that she died as she had lived happily playing with her friend and in my arms at the last breath. I am sure that she knew she was loved. I greave her loss and the hole she has left in my life.

If there is someone you love make sure they know it always, you cannot take time for granted.

>

Too many Cooks....

2007-06-17T21:57:00.000Z

We had a Cookery teacher who was beyond being a mere bitch, she was in fact a card carrying harpy harridan of the first water. She did not like my older sister and she positively could not abide me. However, whereas my sister had been an innocent
victim of the shrew's impotent wrath, I was a more than willing target. You see I had decided that I would avenge my sister by making this teacher's life a total misery at every possible opportunity. This was to prove easier than I thought as not only was she psychologically unfit to be anywhere near children but she was also apparently unable to cook anything other than rock buns(yeuk) and boiled eggs covered in cheese sauce(double yeuk).

Lesson 1
Little did she know as she went about her culinary classwork that she was being studied like a bug in a jug by a mind immeasurably more fiendish than hers.The mind of a fourteen year old master criminal. Silently I sat at the back of her class and drew my plans which looked quite like a monkey and a giraffe and were confiscated half way through the lesson by a harpy harridan yelling about protein coagulation in eggs or some such nonsense. I knew not why her eggs had coagulated, she was old and had no suitors, but I had learned that she did not like using broken chalk and she had an obsessive compulsive need to wipe down the counter even if nothing had been near it in the last six hours. From that day on there was always an ample supply of broken chalk and the dishcloth mysteriously became smaller and smaller.

Lesson 2
I noticed that she referred to everyone's hair as 'fungus' and was very fond of saying, "....and get a hat on that fungus!"

Lesson 3
Enter one giant stuffed mushroom (made in sewing class not cooked silly!) sitting at the front of the class wearing a chef's hat.
"Please Miss, I've put a hat on my fungus, can he stay now ?"
I did not learn how to prepare rock bun recipe 189. I was sent to the headmaster, a wise man who sent me to art class as a punishment for upsetting the harpy harridan.

Lesson 4: Health and Safety in the Kitchen.
Rule 1 Stay away from the ovens.
Rule 2 Stay away from the ovens.
Rule 3 Do not even think about going near the ovens.

" But Miss, the ovens are not even turned on. "
" They can still hurt you! "
" Why Miss, do they bite ? "

Just before I was sent to the headmaster I was able to witness a tour of inspection of everyone's cooking. Heaven help anyone whose rock buns were not cooked properly.

Lesson 5
I had formed a very very cunning plan. I obtained a dummy from the drama department, dressed it in school uniform and pinned a notice on the skirt "No more bloody rock buns!" I then placed the dummy head first in the oven.
Enter one harpy harridan (who I should mention was a little shortsighted)
"OMG! Get that girl out of the oven!!"
"But Miss, she's not done yet!"

Yes, you've guessed it.... headmaster, who had a strange attack of coughing as he sent me to the chemistry lab as punishment. Truly a wise man.

Lesson 6
To keep me out of mischief I was promoted to store cupboard assistant. I had to stand behind the sacred counter of many cleanings with the harpy harridan and pass ingredients to her as required. A blatant attempt to have me do her bidding thus ruining my reb cred.
Did you know that a good way to test the strength of super strong hairspray is to gently wave a sieve full of flour over the wearers head? The strength of the hairspray is such that the wearer remains oblivious to the fact that she is starting to look like recipe 478, sugar dusted rock buns.

I was enjoying being store cupboard assistant. I was doing the actions and lip sync and everything. It was not my fault that Melanie Miller literally peed herself laughing!

" RIGHT, IF YOU THINK IT IS SO EASY TO TEACH THIS CLASS, YOU CAN DEMONSTRATE A NEW RECIPE, AN ORIGINAL RECIPE MIND YOU (not exactly difficult) NEXT WEEK AND IT HAD BETTER BE GOOD AND GET A HAT ON THAT FUNGUS !!!"

Big mistake, huge! as a Prettywoman once remarked.

Finale
I obtained one rubber chicken and half a dozen plasticine balls. I made a giant chef's hat with a huge wobbly bit on top. I studied the Muppets Swedish Chef.

Lesson 7
Recipe: (Plasticine) Swedish Durmplinks Sturffed Rubber Chickern
Method:
Imagine the actions now folks!

Urdy durmplinks flurdy chickern urdy flurdy chickern botterm.Botterm durmplinks, durmplinks botterm. Flurdy urdy chickern botterm stuffernd durmplinks inder ohvern
halfernour, gasernd severn.

I never went to Cookery class again after that. The headmaster did not think it would be a good idea for harpy harridan and I to be together in a room with so many sharp knives, what with her having recently returned from her sudden holiday and all....

Ps. Eventually the harpy harridan's face lost some of the deep purple colour with which the bursting of so many blood vessels at once had suffused it.

The rubber chicken and the dumplings developed a meaningful relationship and were later married in a civil service.

Melanie Miller has never trusted her bladder since those days and still wears rubber knickers just in case.

Time to Leave (55)

2007-06-15T20:38:00.000Z

He's eaten all the bread again, no morning toast for me then. In fact, it looks like he's had some friends over. Just look at the mess they've left. Eeew! One of them has peed in the sink! That does it, he's out of here!
She reaches for the telephone .....

" Hello, is that pest control ?"

Not Waving

2007-06-15T01:25:00.000Z

I held you in my arms my friend
And gently stroked your face
Until the light in your dear eyes
Left not the slightest trace

Your head now heavy on my knee
I felt your spirit leave
My anguish found no voice in me
My grief too great to greave

Inconsolable

2007-06-14T20:35:00.001Z

I can't forget the pain
I breathe you
Not insane nor yet sane
I sense you
In every waking day
I miss you
In every fitful sleep
I seek you
My soul cannot be free
Without you
Bereft, I fade until
I join you

My Child My Child

2007-06-14T00:28:00.000Z

We wandered, oblivious to time's passage
Enveloped in our unique bond
We were together, not needing words
You were of me, I of you
We were inseparable
Then you were torn from me
Our anguish rent the air
Two souls as one, now ripped apart
In our distress we clung to each other
I tried to hold you to me
You tried your best to stay
Our struggles were to no avail
You were taken and I remain
So utterly
Alone

Gone Away

2007-06-09T23:03:00.000Z

A heart too often wounded
A trust too often breached
A soul in isolation
Impossible to reach

An innocence corrupted
Destroyed beyond repair
A love that's lost forever
A chance no longer there

Don't bring to me your flowers
Or waste your words so dear
I have nothing to offer
There's no-one living here

By Pauline

Farewell My Love

2007-06-08T18:34:00.001Z

I said I would love you forever
But you didn't play fair by me
You knew that you liked to pick toenails
And flick them towards the TV

You knew of your fondness for toejam
Which fascinates you it appears
And I'm horrified, honestly, I am
By the wax you dig out of your ears

You knew that you liked to chase bogies
Around and around in your nose
You never chose once to disclose this
How could you keep secrets like those ?

The only thing worse than your belching
I'm sorry, I just can't pretend
Is the smell of the wind that's exploding
Constantly from your rear end

I said I would love you forever
I meant every word that I said
I never thought I would leave, never
But if I don't go you'll be dead.

By Pauline

And so to bed...

2007-06-08T12:25:00.000Z

I lie beside you watching as you sleep
And for your manly beauty I could weep
Recalling passion lost so long ago
Forgetting for a moment all I know

Reality steps in, my fancy stalls
As you in slumber start to scratch your balls
Without demur the same hand you then put
Around the back so you can scratch your butt

Sweet memories embracing me no more
As opening your mouth you start to snore
At last my disillusionment complete
When rudest wind erupts to raise the sheet

My dreams are dashed and driven from my head
Starting tomorrow you'll have your own bed

By Pauline

Tell me again why I married you....?

2007-06-07T20:13:00.004Z

Shall I compare thee to a dew kiss't rose ?
Thou art forsooth as prickly as its thorns
But thou hast not as delicate a nose
Thy feet are ripe and bearing many corns

Thou dost appear as livid, 'tis so true
As rose of deepest red, near purple hue
Tho' in thy case 'tis likely to be due
To fondness for the local landlord's brew

So art thou some of nature's finest craft ?
A beauteous work, a pleasure to behold ?
Find one who says 'tis so and has not laugh't
And I shall surely show thee liar bold .

By Pauline

Oops !

2007-06-05T23:18:00.000Z

To be fair, I wouldn't do it but then again it's your hair. Yes, I have heard of using raw egg as a treatment. I don't suppose there will be any problem just so long as we rinse it out thoroughly.
Time to rinse? You'll have to be careful that the water's not too.......scrambled !!

Dancing Bears

2007-06-05T15:02:00.000Z

See the gaily dancing bear
In town every day
See him turn and stand up tall
See him wave and sway

He's just like my teddy bear
With who I love to play
Could we take him home at all
So he can dance all day

Bear cubs are stolen from the den while the mother is out looking for food or after the thieves have killed her

The cub is held down while a large needle is used to make a hole through the bear's nose and palate and a rope is forced through the hole. No anaesthetic is used. The wounds often become infected and the constant chafing of the rope prevents healing.

The jerking of the rope causes the bear extreme pain and makes him move his legs up and down. The 'dancing' is actually the bear hopping from foot to foot in agony.

To protect the 'handler' the bears teeth are ripped out and sold as good luck charms.
Without his teeth the bear cannot eat the proper foods and many suffer from digestive problems and malnutrition.

The average life expectancy of a bear in the wild can be up to 30 years.
The average life expectancy of a 'dancing' bear is 8 years.

Somehow I don't feel like dancing, do you?

In the Park with Siana

2007-06-05T14:51:00.000Z

Carressed by gentle breeze
That softly ripples azure sparkled depths
Birdsong's sweetest music fills the scented air
Delicate petalled jewels scattered
On soft spring meadow ground
Whispering trees tell tales of long ago
Applauded by a million leaves too young to know
Space and time in cyclic ebb and flow
Spirits joined from past and future drift
And we my friend are as we ever lived

By Pauline

In the Dining Room with the Mushrooms

2007-06-05T14:25:00.000Z

This calls to mind Great Aunt Clothilde
Who several family members killed
Invited them to Sunday dinner
Admitted that she'd been a sinner
Just to keep herself amused
Poison mushrooms she had used
Liberally sprinkled in the stuffing
In the soup and even pudding
Family listened in dismay
To Aunty's dread surprise
Never got to have their say
Just dropped down dead like flies
Later when they stretched her neck
The gaolers clearly heard her
Say "What's the fuss? Oh what the heck!
Families can be murder"

By Pauline

Peas and Honey

2007-06-04T23:38:00.000Z

I eat my peas with honey
I've done so all my life
It makes the peas taste fuuny
But it keeps them on my knife (anon)

Today I lost my honey
Today he lost his life
He said my hair looked funny
So I stuck him with my knife

By Pauline

STOP PRESS!

I have just received this plea from the PLO (Peas Liberation Organisation)

After discussions at the highest level of the CIA (Culinary Institute of America)
I have decided in future to use less honey, thus giving peas a chance to roll off my knife and join their brother and sister peas under the table. Hopefully this will lead to more...

My baby...Your Baby

2007-06-04T23:13:00.000Z

My Baby

I hear a cry of pain and fear
I run to him and hold him near
I comfort him and stroke his head
Then gently place him back in bed

Your Baby

The air is thick with cries of fear
I seek him out and drawing near
I bring my club down on his head
I want his fur and now he's dead

By Pauline